The morning after Jeremy’s assault, Chet checks in on Rachel only to see that she is still laying on the ground, reeling.  He helps Rachel get dressed and as she does, Rachel declares that she is going to report Jeremy to the police. Chet quickly urges her not to, reminding her that Jeremy knows where the bodies are buried–specifically, Mary’s body (from season 1). Chet tells Rachel that Jeremy could destroy the show down and tells her to “keep it in the family.”

Reality Reveal No. 1: If there was an assault on the set of a reality show, is the show obligated to report it the police?

TV Juriste Reply: Producers do not have greater obligations than anyone else when it comes to reporting to reporting a crime; they probably should but it’s not clear they’re legally obligated to do so.

Rachel knows he is right but still takes pictures of her bruises before she covers them up with makeup. She rebuffs Coleman’s affections, much to his confusion.

Rachel leaves Coleman and heads out to try to convince Darius to choose Beth Ann for the hometown date. Darius points out that listening to Rachel always brings bad consequences: the epidural, firing his cousin, being humiliated by Ruby’s father. Rachel snaps at Darius in front of the crew that if he doesn’t choose Beth Ann, the ratings will plummet and the show will get canceled.

“This is my job and I do it every stupid day of my stupid life!” she cries. “Get yourself canceled! Put me out of my misery!”

Darius becomes concerned and asks Rachel if she is okay. “I don’t know,” she sobs. “Can we please just go pack for Alabama?”

Uncomfortable with the hysterics, Darius quickly agrees to pick Beth Ann. Chet watches worryingly from afar and calls Quinn, who is coming back from her father’s funeral with John Booth, the filthy rich network owner. Chet tells Quinn about Rachel’s hysterics and urges her to come back to set.

Darius is nervous about going to Alabama; Rachel and Coleman couldn’t be happier about capturing footage of a redneck, racist family meeting Darius. However, Beth Ann’s family is completely starstruck around Darius and joyfully welcome him. Back on set, Jay suggests to Madison that they create drama on set so they can prove that they are valuable on set.

Chet tells Quinn what Jeremy did and how Rachel is on the home visit assignment. Quinn calls Rachel, swearing to kill Jeremy for her and checking in to see that Rachel packed her meds. Rachel scoffs at Quinn suddenly being concerned for her health and hangs up. A tearful Beth Ann approaches Rachel with a problem: she is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend. Seeing an opportunity for drama, Rachel assures Beth Ann that Darius is in love with her and would still raise another man’s child.

Quinn confronts Jeremy, who is still on set. I guess he doesn’t understand what it means to be “fired.” Jeremy complains that Rachel is a monster and insists that he was just “standing up to her.” Quinn grabs his balls and threatens to cut them off if he comes back to the show. That’s one way to fire someone.

Elsewhere producers are planning to use sessions with Dr. Wagerstein to stir up drama. Dr. Wagerstein asks the girls to talk about why they think Darius didn’t pick them and it quickly descends into an accusatory bitchfest. Voila, quintessential reality TV drama.

Rachel excitedly tells Coleman about Beth Ann’s pregnancy and how she is planning to invite the father to dinner so Beth Ann will be forced to admit her news to him, her family, and Darius. Quinn calls Coleman to tell him what happened with Rachel and Jeremy and that Rachel is off her meds. Coleman gently tries to convince Rachel to go home but she insists that the Beth Ann segment will be gold and that she’s fine. In her manic state, Rachel is refusing to slow down and take a break.

Beth Ann’s pregnancy announcement is everything reality TV nirvana: Beth Ann’s ex-boyfriend attempts to propose, Beth Ann rejects him, Beth Ann’s father is furious, Beth Ann implies that Darius impregnated her, the ex-boyfriend tries to fight him, and Beth Ann’s father pulls out a gun to end the brawl.

Upon their return to L.A., Coleman meets with Rachel, Quinn, and Chet. He blasts Quinn and Chet for not filing a police report. Rachel tells Coleman to just drop it and leaves. Quinn tells Chet that Coleman is a “cancer” and they need to cut him out. “I think Rachel’s in love with him. I’ve never seen her like this before,” protests Chet. “Oh, I have,”says Quinn and she excuses herself to make a call. Hmmm . . .

Tiffany admits to Darius to the Romeo hook up and begs for forgiveness, claiming that she’s been manipulated, just like him. Weighing the cousin hook-up against a baby, no one should have been surprised that Beth Ann was eliminated. Darius generously offers to set up a college fund for her child (why?), although privately he rages at Rachel for putting him in an uncomfortable position, again. Bruh, don’t act brand new. This is reality television.

Coleman finds Rachel and asks why she didn’t tell him about Jeremy. Rachel admits that Quinn called Coleman her “Chet” and it got into her head. Coleman promises that he will take Rachel off of Everlasting by the end of the season and he will respect her more than Quinn ever did. He performs oral sex on Rachel and she finally relaxes, happy with Coleman. You know what they say, the way to girl’s heart is through her *record scratch.* Okay, maybe no one says that, but perhaps they should.

However, Quinn’s mystery guest arrives: Adam Cromwell.

“Here we go again,” he says to himself as he steps into the mansion.

UnReal

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