So much secrecy and deception, and 95% of it won’t have anything to do with the bombing. But let’s have fun and throw out as many wacky theories as we can each time the show lobs some goofy hint our way.

We knew Alex’s mom was hiding something in Episode 1 when he saw her smoking cigarettes – a sure sign on television of villainy, deception, neurosis, and/or (on FOX News) secret Muslim tendencies. Episode 3 opens with a SWAT team bearing down on Momma Parish, and boy los Federales look like jackbooted thugs grabbing a barefoot depressive out of her bedroom.

Flashback time. The team is doing an exercise in the pool. Point? Show off nubile well-toned bodies, and also Alex cuts her finger. THIS WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT as will anything they suddenly close in on and/or immediately rewind to.

The FBI's synchronized swim team is the envy of all the covert intelligence-gathering agencies. The FBI’s synchronized swim team is the envy of all the covert intelligence-gathering agencies.

Flashforward, and Booth is back on the job, having recovered from his near death experience (or was it?). Alex is still on the loose. Is this still Day One? Booth couldn’t have been shot almost to death, had surgery, woken up, spoken to Alex on the phone, been released, and gone back to work on the same day. Or was his whole bullet thing a fake-out? Or maybe he’s really RoboAgent. Time stamps would be helpful, but what is even the point of seeing him come back to the job? Ever get the feeling this show is using the time jumps as pure gimmickry to make a not very clever mystery look more interesting than it is?

Back to the past: In the girl’s locker room, Alex and Shelby talk about Shelby’s secret late night calls, which is a much more interesting conversation when they are both in their underwear than it would be if they were fully clothed. Nimah or Rainia, whichever one is the big bossy-pants, is not happy about Vasquez, who was mean to her or her sister in the swim exercise. On the boys’ side of the gym, Not-Gay Gay Simon is complaining to Booth that Elias is a stalker. Also, the alleged reason he finds Elias’ attention so irksome is that he has a “boyfriend,” a known untruth, making him the lyingest liar from Liarville. Why is Simon afraid to come out as straight?

If this ain't enough to turn him gay, ain't nothing will. If this ain’t enough to turn him gay, ain’t nothing will.

Liam gives Alex her father’s file. But is she woman enough to actually look at it? Booth is somewhere nearby, lurking and listening.

Analysts and agents are brought together again at a session led by Miranda. She’s ordering them to “get real” and write scathingly honest profiles on each other because FBI School is some combination of high school, Survivor, and the type of work retreat where it’s a whole weak of embarrassing ice-breakers and exercises, a.k.a. WHY I AM NO LONGER IN SOCIAL SERVICES.

Speaking of high school, this is the level of banter going on between Shelby and Caleb:

Caleb: I’m an open book.

Shelby: I know, I read it. American Psycho.


Much more talky-talk like this happens around the profile assignment. Let’s move on.

Apres le bomb: Jacob from Lost is playing Deputy Director Clayton, a.k.a. the character they forgot to give a first name to in the credits. To many of us, Mark Pellegrino will always be Rita’s ex-husband on Dexter, or that guy on Supernatural, or that other guy in Almost Human, or some other important-for-a-while-but-not-leading-or-even-regular character in something else.

"Revolution," "The Tomorrow People," "The Returned"... I'm not saying this guy is a show killer, but I'm willing to pay money to keep from appearing on "Orphan Black." “Revolution,” “The Tomorrow People,” “The Returned”… I’m not saying this guy is a show killer, but I’m willing to pay money to keep him from appearing on “Orphan Black.”

Clayton is not happy that Alex is still on the loose, and he’s going to have to explain to the American people (for whom he works) how a Quantico recruit turned out to be a terrorist. He blames Liam.

But Liam is ON it. He tells Clayton he’s got Alex’s mother and he’s going to make her talk. Because who knows you better than the mother you didn’t live with for 10 critical years of your adolescence and young adulthood?

Page 2 at Happy Nice Time People

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